Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the stars will fall, and you will be there's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, February 28th, 2004
7:29 pm	holy shit. my mom just came prancing into my room wearing a poofy white pink flower decorated dress. off the shouler dress mind you. and she just waited for me to turn around. what is the world coming to? i think i may be delerious after a long day at work. that must be it, cause that could not have just happened. i ache all over. (6 thrifts | make me vintage)
Saturday, February 21st, 2004
5:49 pm	im sick. and my nose hurts and is bright red. sucky sucky this situation is. but aimee brought me sick music. really did help me feel better. yeah for sigur ros. my sister is down the hall, making a music video. how queer... (4 thrifts | make me vintage)
Sunday, February 15th, 2004
7:06 pm	here i am with my sammie pants and i am having a great fantastic time in the land of dc with her and her friends. apex and beers suddenly appearing in my hand. that is good shit. (4 thrifts | make me vintage)
Monday, November 10th, 2003
9:19 pm	"taking the cure so i can be quiet whenever i want" i am humoring you... (11 thrifts | make me vintage)
Friday, September 19th, 2003
11:06 pm	"ive seen those eyes, ive watched them close at night..." there is nothing worse than being so far away and not knowing what i can do...how i can help...how i can keep you not lonely... i just dont know sometimes... (3 thrifts | make me vintage)
Monday, September 8th, 2003
10:59 am	"please say, honestly you wont give up on me..." an update. surprising i know. in the library at school. should be doing things. everything is really hard at the moment. my heart doesnt know how to take the pain. i have been losing weight, not eating, sleeping a lot more than i usually do. i dont know what to do...i am confused and lonely. i feel like i am nothing but a burden, although she would say otherwise...had we met later, things may not have been the same, or have not worked out...just a thought...about a month until my four day tease, and then right back to what i have come to know as the most unhealthy state in my life...but it will be good. i need her touch, i am dying without it. i dont know what to do with myself... to end with a much much lighter note. laura made me a lunch for school today. that pretty much rocked my world. look at her trying to keep me healthy, even if she does throw cds that hit me in the eye. (3 thrifts | make me vintage)
Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003
12:38 am	its only been a day but it feels like eternity... 7. skin against skin. (5 thrifts | make me vintage)
Saturday, July 19th, 2003
2:34 pm	"marie marie quite contrary close the door now it's much too scary" my day yesterday=emotionally draining. so hectic. there was nothing but emotions flying everywhere. not all bad. not all good. but the good were even more draining than the bad. it's been a long while since i have cried like that, and it's funny because i dont know if it has ever been this emotional. this constant plaguing thought of her leaving is killing me. but i do also know that our love is strong, and hopefully will be able to sustain us being apart. i now wear her love around my thumb... it is going to be so hard. i am for once thankful that i will have school work to keep me occupied. of course, i cant forget about the portfolio that i will be putting together that will determine the next two or so years of my life. but dont worry, ill be fine...and i will just try to ignore the overwhelming fear that i have about not getting into the film program. i will just ignore it...because you know, that's possible. 1. you make me comfortable with myself. (5 thrifts | make me vintage)
Sunday, June 15th, 2003
10:11 pm	"please just dont play with me, my paper heart will bleed" have you ever hoped for pain so much that when it is not there you are just completely and utterly disappointed? for all of you thinking that i am talking about something much deeper than just getting my lip pierced...you are only half right. i think that this time in my life i may just be more confused than i have ever been. all of my life i knew how i felt. i knew that i was depressed. i knew that i was unhappy. but now...now...i am bombarded by being happy and most likely clinically insane all at the same time. i mean, i have her. i most likely dont deserve her, or maybe i do. i dont know...but do i ever really? but yes, i have her, and she makes me happier than almost anybody elsehas ever in my life. so this is where all that happiness crap that is just confusing the hell out of me is coming from. mainly confused because i dont really think that i have ever been happy...ever...i dont know...so yeah, then comes the not so great part. you know, the whole clinically insane part. here i am, with this amazing girl, and i call him. consider seeing him. see him. get ignored by him. and then consider calling him again? what in sweet god am i thinking? because i sure as hell do not have the answer to that one. why will i not just let myself be happy? gah, i dont know...all i do know is that it is hot as hell in my room at the moment, i cant think if my life depended on it, and this update is probably complete jibberish, so i am going to stop now, collect my thoughts, and possibly try to make this a little more intelligible later. we will see... (12 thrifts | make me vintage)
Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
10:47 pm	"im nothing if im not with you" stupidity has gotten the best of me. or is it even stupidity? maybe i need something from it. maybe i am just filling my self hatred and mutilation with something that wont hurt her. but it would most likely hurt her no matter what. after all that, i was still on my way out the door to see him. what i was thinking is still not apparent. but luckily, i got a call on the way out the door, and so i had other things to keep me occupied. occupied at least in the physical sense, my mind was most definitely still with that, with him...but nowadays, when is it not? so picked up the phone and called him. he was just as surprised as i was. inmy head i was really hoping that he wouldn't even pick up, but he did...it was so weird dialing his number. it felt so...natural...and so insanely odd. then he asks me how i am doing, like he actually cares...or maybe he did...i dont know. and he finishes off the awkwardness by telling me to meet him. i consider it...actually consider it...and was going to do it. i just dont know... when i am not with her, i feel...incomplete...nonfunctioning...i dont know...she is what keeps me going lately. i breathe only because of her, for her. i dont know what i would do if she wasnt in my life, if i didnt have her. i didnt think that i would ever allow myself to fall after what happened with him. but i did...and it is amazing. i would have it no other way. well, that is not entirely true...i would have it with her not leaving. but that is just the way that things are going to work. she is going to leave and i am sure live this amazing life. because that is exactly what she is, amazing, and could live a life no other way. i need her, always... found out today that my ex boyfriend from a little over a year ago has been seeing this girl in the navy and got her pregnant, and now he is going to be a father. he is possibly one of the most irresponsible 19 year old boys that i know, but he will most likely make a good father. i always knew that he would be excited about something like this. he always loved kids... i dont know how much else i can articulate and put out there right now, so i think that i am going to take a little breather for a moment. quite possibly a very long breather...i need it... (1 thrift | make me vintage)
Monday, June 2nd, 2003
10:26 pm	"never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie" i dont think that i will understand why it is that the happiest time in my life thus far is also the scariest. she has to leave eventually, i know this. but what am i going to do then? i am terrified. the best thing in my life is going to be leaving, is going to be on the other side of the country. my mind constantly wanders to this thought...constantly... i love her. my mind also seems to be focused on a much more unhealthy relationship lately. i cant get him out of my head. he literally torments me. he is the wall that keeps me confined, that keeps me from so many things. i need to break free. i need to be stronger. but i think that no matter how many times i try to flee, i will always return to prague (fans of milan kundera and "the unbearable lightness of being" will understand that one). he is the weight that is perpetually tying me down, drowning me slowly, making me believe that i can make it to the surface, but then suddenly getting heavier and dragging me down further. i need to break from him, from him and his hold over me. tonight...tonight i just needed to talk to somebody, but nobody was around. nobody that i really felt like i wanted to talk to at least. some i didnt even try because i didnt want to disturb them. talk...talk...that is all i wanted to do. the only other thing in my head at the moment is sleeping in my own bed, and that thought is bittersweet. my own bed, but alone...isnt it always like that, you get one but not the other...never both...that would be too completely selfish. people uninterested in others bore me. i thrive on listening to other people. i am an observer. people intrigue me, them and their life stories. so when it comes to understanding those that care only about themselves and the stories that they have to tell, i do not... i miss a lot of people, and feel like i am falling further from them and reality at the moment. i need an anchor, but if i go to my usual, i am hurting the one i love, and that is not something that i intend on doing. oh, and by the way, i am already out of a job. some things too good to be true? well, that is the proof we all needed right there. surprise... (2 thrifts | make me vintage)
Thursday, May 1st, 2003
7:58 pm	"how can you call me your friend" i have motion sickness. probably from the constant spinning going on in my head. wont it stop and let me rest. i need a rest... she remembered me. and just the thought of her sister possibly being at finals makes me happy. i am aware that i have compleely lost my motivation. but i think that i may be regaining some of it. we will see. this is the first time in a while that time spent with myself hasnt led to destructive behavior...go me...i am actually enjoying the time. who thought that was possible... and off i go (8 thrifts | make me vintage)
Wednesday, April 30th, 2003
1:34 pm	"the angel opens her eyes. pale blue colored eyes" i have been lost in my mind lately. lost and looking for a way out. havent been too succesful yet. there have been a lot of good things lately. but along with the good things come people's inability to understand what is truly going on, and not what they want to believe. hedon=unit of pleasure how many hedons does your act of goodwill offer you? at the moment i am far from this...depression-a feeling of morbid disgust and sadness, ranging from mild discouragement to despair. this job could save my life. i need it. i hope that i get it. coachella was amazing. simply amazing... "better to be a human dissatisfied than a pig satisfied"-john stuart mill (1 thrift | make me vintage)
Monday, April 21st, 2003
12:20 pm	titulaRretrofit: hey., .if ever i fuck you ,. can i cut you while i do it,. titulaRretrofit: ,. . cause,. that makes sense to me., . tragicwallflower: god yes... titulaRretrofit: ha ha.,. titulaRretrofit: ok. , .so when the time comes ., . i will say. ,. style ., i want to cut you .,. titulaRretrofit: a knife in one hand and a strap on in the other hand titulaRretrofit: big black., titulaRretrofit: call that shit down with bruce bruce from bet titulaRretrofit: wo oo a . ,. tragicwallflower: hahaha titulaRretrofit: and can i squeeze lemon juice in the cuts at the point of climax (4 thrifts | make me vintage)
11:44 am	"she's a brick and i'm drowning slowly" no matter how often i try to clean myself up, get my act together, it never works. i have no self discipline when it comes to that. today was just a huge indication of that. when people are nice to me, i dont know how to deal with it. i get suspicious. alterior motives. i second guess them, their motives and myself. practically the only love that i have ever known has been abusive in some way, whether physicallly or verbally. so when somebody hits me, when somebody hurts me with their words, and tells me that they love me, that it is because they love me, that is true love to me, that is all that i have ever known. people truly being nice to me, loving me, scares me. i dont know where they are coming from, because i have never been exposed to that kind of love. and in my mind, they couldnt possibly truly mean anything they say or do. the people that love me, they will hurt me. that is what ive come to know. i would stay in anabusive relationship because that is love to me. this scares me more than anything. i am also haunted by the fact that i didnt end it with him because he was hurting me, in fact, it was something quite the opposite. it was more his inability to understand my fear, and him pushing me. why didn't the pain and the hurt drive me away? if it weren't for that one night, would i still be with him? the terrifying thought is that i think that i would be, and my black eyes would be sheding tears for my inability to understand. understand myself. understand my situation. but i think that i may also be afraid of these people, because if they do love me, then they will just hurt me, and i can't handle it anymore... i just dont know. hurt me, just dont love me. i dont know how to deal with love. but at least learn to believe in me, because i will come around, i am just trying to find my way. when anticipating the lies, it is almost impossible to see the truth. (2 thrifts | make me vintage)
Saturday, April 19th, 2003
12:45 pm	"cause the pressure's unreal, im not saying that it's not" last night. went to see the yeah yeah yeahs. it was amazing. that woman has such stage presence. she blew me away. on the way home, i get a call. it's natasha, and she is super upset. so i go to visit her. so she can sleep. i plan to only stay there until she fell asleep. so much for that. her bed is so comfortable. so we both sleep. then my mom calls me this morning to find out where i am. yeah, i really didn't plan on that one. but it was nice sleeping with someone again, i miss it unbelieveably...plus, she is the cuddling type. very good...that girl means so much to me, and i would do anything for her....and that was my night/morning. oh, but i also saw bill driving on the freeway today...that was good times. there is something in the air. i can't tell yet what it is, but i have feeling that it is all going to blow up somehow. it is just waiting to happen.... (3 thrifts | make me vintage)
Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
11:40 pm	"poison hearts will never change" the past few days. filled with a lot of different things. laughter. flamboyancy. bruised knuckles. hip bones. bjork. bruised egos. immense masterbation. self hatred. self loving. camping. capture the flag. getting lost. pain. traffic.chili cheese dogs. tali. chain smoking. park rangers. truth or dare. knives. trust. self realization. self doubt. living. rainbow beads. pelvic bones. bright eyes. campfires. gravy train. natasha. sand. house of 1000 corpses. deep voices. laura. overreaction. apologies. playing guitar naked. kisses. attention. amazing people. radiohead. spicy chicken sandwiches. dirty hair. glow sticks. bundling. new friends. the appreciation of other friends. my capabilities. flower petals. asocial asphyxia 1. black eyes. biting. bruises. flannel. vests. mysterious voicemails. longing. appreciation. guess who. listening. the game of life. chutes and ladders. talking. social lives. nights i would like to remember forever. nights i would much rather forget. (13 thrifts | make me vintage)
Sunday, April 13th, 2003
5:39 pm	"something isn't right in this world called confusion" last night was, to say the least, amazingly/wonderfully interesting... it was definitely a chain smoking day sex education for a hopeless romantic. title it what you want, this is what we are calling it. book, film, soundtrack, all taken care of... (make me vintage)
Wednesday, April 9th, 2003
6:39 pm	"i want to be a piano there is something about the way that it can be played fervently, with such depth and passion and be so delicate to the ears..... at the highest of points or at the most gentle bridge it still sounds beauitful and connects harmony to your spirt and soul. if someone can play the piano right all is filled with serenity and tranquility no matter how intense the sound." the girl is utterly amazing... (make me vintage)
5:54 pm	"the dreams were eloquent, but they were also beautiful. that aspect seems to have escaped freud in his theory of dreams. dreaming is not merely an act of communication (or coded communication, if you like); it is also an aesthetic activity, a game of the imagination, a game that is the value in itself. our dreams prove that to imagine-to dream about things that have no yet happened-is among mankind's deepest needs. herein lies the danger. if dreams were not beautiful, they would quickly be forgotten" "anyone whose goal is "something higher" must expect some day to suffer vertigo. what is vertigo? fear of falling? then why do we feel it even when the observation tower comesequipped with a sturdy handrail? no, vertigo is something other than the fear of falling. it is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves" -milan kundera "the unbearable lightness of being" (1 thrift | make me vintage)